I can see that, as I previously said, this testimony of mine could easily go off in all kinds of directions. I have been very encouraged as I've looked back and thought about all that's happened in the past 10 to 15 years, and I think I'll wrap this up for now by getting to my main point, or my main reason for writing this.
I never expected to end up in radio, never mind for eleven years! In fact, during most of those eleven years, I "fought" the Lord about it. I mean, I prayed over and over again that He would lead me out of it. "I just can't do this." "I don't feel like I was made for this."
My thinking was like Moses. "I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to Your servant, but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue." (Ex 4:10)
And I thought, "Since I can't seem to be content here, does that perhaps mean that I didn't really hear You right?"
Over the years I came up with all kinds of excuses to leave and I prayed all kinds of prayers. Now, I do have to say that there actually was quite a lot that I enjoyed about the whole radio thing... mostly the "behind the scenes" work. After volunteering as a DJ for a year or two, I was put on staff and I wound up doing a whole lot of work - mainly computer work - that I really enjoyed. Again, my mind is filling with all kinds of things that I could share about the things I really did enjoy about working at the radio station.
However, throughout the whole experience, I always felt very inadequate when it came to talking on the radio. I struggled with the phrase "on-air talent." :) I just didn't feel "natural" on the air, and I struggled in trying to sound like a professional disc jockey. Over the years I improved in many ways, and I'm thankful for that, but I never really settled down in the sense of thinking that radio was "my thing" in life.
Well, I could go on and on about all that but what I really want to say in all this is that the Lord was faithful throughout the whole experience to encourage me in Himself and to keep me where He wanted me to be. Several times I came to the "end" of it all, and I was ready to pack up and leave, but then the Lord would speak to me and encourage me in ways that only He can. I don't mean that He would encourage me in any of the skills I was developing as a DJ. As I said, I improved over the years but that's never the reason I stayed. Rather, God would encourage me in such ways that I knew that I knew that I knew that He was leading and guiding me and living through me... not in the form of a perfect, wonderful on-air personality, but in the form of a loving God who remains faithful even through times of discomfort and uncertainty.
In fact, it was my uncertainty and my sense of inadequacy about myself and my own skills and personality that drove me deeper into His arms of rest and sufficiency. Ever since coming into a deeper revelation of walking by faith and not by sight, I've continually asked the Lord to show me who I am. He has been faithful to teach me who I am in many ways, and one huge way has been through my weaknesses and inadequacies. Through these things, He has shown me that who I am is not based at all upon what I can or cannot do. It's based simply on the fact the He is "I am" and that He loves me and dwells in me and that my life is not my own, but He is my life. He has shown me that a focus on myself will either lead a person to self-sufficiency and pride or to a sense of inadequacy and helplessness. Neither way is the Christ-life. The Christ-life is lived fully in the sufficiency of Christ!
(Whole series: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4)
Joel,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing what you did in this series of posts. I have been encouraged by what you have written. God is indeed faithful. I can think back to times in my life when God has opened doors and gave me opportunities to do things that I didn't think I could do. And praise God I was right. I couldn't do them, but He could, and did, through me.
I remember a time not long after I was saved when He put it on my heart to start up a lunch time Bible study. The thought of it scared me to death. I told the Lord that I was willing, but I had no idea how to go about it and that if He wanted me to do it He would have to make it happen. About a month or maybe two went by and I had not thought about it any more during that time. I was sitting in the cubical of a co-worker and out of the blue God told me to ask my co-worker if he was interested in a lunch time bible study. He nearly jumped out of his seat when and said yes and that he had been thinking about it for some time. God put it on both our hearts to ask a few more people and our Bible study was born. Through that experience I learned what it meant to wait on God.
There was another time several years later when God put on my heart that He wanted me to be a deacon. Scared to death again! I told the Lord that I had no idea what a deacon did, but I was willing. It was kind of strange to me that on one level it was a scary thing, but on another level I had a wonderful sense of peace about it. I knew that I didn’t have to do a thing; that God would bring it to pass. Very soon after that we had deacon nominations and the pastor called me the next day and told me I had been nominated. Long story short, I went through the process and was ordained.
It is an honor for me to serve God as a deacon, but I still struggle with doubts about whether I am mature enough in my walk with the Lord. I know God is faithful and that He will see me through.
In Christ,
Gary
Wow, Gary, those are some great testimonies of what the Lord has done in your life. I like what you said about being scared but yet at peace in a certain situation. Indeed as you say, it's through these things that we learn to wait on God. It seems as though the specific experiences we've been through are different, but the Lord has led us in very similar ways through these experiences. I'm glad I posted this and I'm glad you responded, because sometimes I've felt like I'm the only one who "gets" what I've been through, and yet when it comes down to it, I believe that there are many people who can relate to all this in one way or another.
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